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二○二○年十月十七日／十八日                                                                                                Click here for English version

為孩子的幸福，我做對了嗎？

陳劍雲牧師

父母都期望兒女健康和幸福，但怎樣的努力才能達到這目標呢﹖

心理學家 Martin Seligman 的研究指出，有三個構成人感到快樂的主要因素。第一個因素是一般人所著重的，就是「物質的生活環境和條件」。家長往往用不少金錢，買遊戲機或各樣消費品、去不同的國家旅行，食得好、住得豪。不過，這個因素對快樂的貢獻原來只得10%，而且所帶來的「感官的快樂」，是不斷要求更大的刺激才會產生、但卻又只能短暫維持的快樂。所以，是代價高昂卻不合格的快樂。

第二個因素是「自主性」，當人能夠為自己作出選擇，然後逐步去完成自己選擇做的事情，他會享受「具滿足感的快樂」。在我家中，通常是由我或大兒子負責吸塵，而小兒子則擔當「拖地」這任務。當吸塵機響起，他就會說：「跟住畀我拖地呀﹗」而每次他完成任務後，都會感到很滿足，因為這是他的選擇，又是他感到自己做得到的，並且因為這是件助人的事，會得到具體讚賞，所以能帶給他最高層次的快樂，就是「具意義性的快樂」。研究指出，自主性對快樂的貢獻比物質生活條件大得多，高達 40%，而且你可以不費分毫，就能讓孩子從自主得到快樂。

不過，最後一個因素是對快樂貢獻最大的，高達 50%，那就是家庭的「傳承」對快樂的貢獻。原生家庭對人的一生有深刻的影響，父母在育兒的過程中需要省察自己從原生家庭中「承繼」了甚麼，且又不自覺地「傳遞」了兒女。有一位男士，他在兒童期經常被父親醉酒虐打，色情刊物在家隨處可見。這位弟兄感到自己很易怒、有暴力傾向，也甚為好色。當他的女兒誕生，因初生嬰兒常哭，他對女兒產生暴力的念頭。他很擔心自己會對女兒產生壞影響，因此他和妻子商量後，下定決心要學習心理學和育兒之道。他帶著強烈的實踐動機去學習，不但逐漸掌握了不同階段心理發展的需要與育兒方法，更經歷到神幫助他脫離成長中所受的痛苦，從扭曲的生命釋放出來。

弟兄姊妹，聖經教導為人父母的「要照著主的教訓和勸戒，養育」兒女，其中所指的不只是言教，更是身教。我們要給孩子美好的傳承，引導他們自主發展之前，我們自己的生命必須先讓神的話語更新，我們要成為良好的榜樣，並按孩子的心理發展階段作出理解和勸勉。願你們的家庭蒙福！




Pastor's Sharing
Have I Done What is Right for the Good of My Children?
Rev Lawrence Chan

As parents, we all hope for well-being and happiness for our children. But what can we do to achieve these goals?

A study by psychologist Martin Seligman has identified three elements of happiness. The first is what most people stress – conditions for material life. Parents often spend a lot of money on games or other consumables for their children. They take them on trips to various countries, and give them good food and housing. Nevertheless, this only contributes to 10% of happiness. The sensual pleasure it brings invariably creates an urge for greater gratification that demands more stimuli, and the gratification is only short-lived. An expensive kind of happiness, it is just not good enough.

The second is engagement with uncoerced choice. When a person can make decisions for oneself and then, step by step, accomplish what he chooses to do, he experiences happiness with satisfaction. In my home, my elder son usually does the vacuum cleaning while my younger son mops the floor. As soon as he hears the vacuum cleaner in operation, my younger son would gladly say, “Let me mop the floor next!” Every time he completes the task, he feels satisfied because it is his choice and is something he feels he can do. It is also an area he can help and win praise. That brings him the highest form of happiness, which is happiness with meaning. The study finds that engagement contributes more to the person’s well-being, at 40 per cent. And it is free. Children can live an engaged life and derive pleasure from it.

The last element contributes the most to happiness, at 50 per cent. It is the family legacy which is passed on from generation to generation. The family of origin has great impact on life. In nurturing their children, parents need to reflect on what they have inherited from their family of origin, which they may unconsciously pass on to their own children. There is a brother who was often beaten up by his drunken father when young. Indecent articles littered his home. The brother feels that he is readily enraged, has violent tendencies and is quite lustful. After his daughter was born and when the newborn cried often, he had thoughts of violence towards her. He was very concerned that he would have negative impact on her. After discussion with his wife, he decided to study psychology and also learn how to raise children. He was determined to learn and strongly motivated to put it into practice. Finally, he not only grasped the needs of children at various developmental stages and how to raise children, but was also delivered by God from the pain he suffered when he grew up. He was freed from a distorted life.

Brothers and sisters, the Bible teaches parents to bring children up "in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). What is involved here is not only verbal instruction, but also teaching by example. To pass on a great legacy, and before we guide them on to an engaged life, we must first let the word of God renew our lives so we can set a good example. We also need to show understanding and give our children exhortations according to the various stages of their psychological development. May your families be blessed!