二○二一年八月十四日／十五日
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「去或留：別有一般滋味在心頭」講座後
程續戰牧師
某天在團契後，得悉剛剛在螢幕見到的弟兄原來已離港，我感到很驚訝和困惑。也許大家也有類似的經驗──離港的肢體沉默地離開，你只能無言歎息……在 5 月底的「去或留」講座中，講員伍詠光弟兄（資深心理及家庭治療師）鼓勵我們換個角度，站在對方的處境去思想離港者和留港者的沉默糾結。
離港者的沉默糾結
離港者為何沉默離去？因為他們：1.害怕分享時自己會傷心，擔心負面情緒會癱瘓自己；2.無力招架別人的傷感或挽留；3.害怕別人責備自己的決定是自私的；4.有很多未了的事情要處理，掛一漏萬難免會發生。
離港者確有百般滋味在心頭，假如我們能多些明白離港者的感受，就會多些諒解他們。有一位打算離港的姊妹跟我說，她最放不下的是她媽媽的信仰狀況。離港前，她安排了我和伯母見面，在三代同堂的見證下，我與伯母確認信仰及為她施洗，之後姊妹便帶著主的恩典，和家人踏上新的旅程。
留港者的沉默糾結
留港者也有難言的感受：1. 矛盾，很想關心離港者，但又怕主動追問會令對方為難；2. 突然、無奈、不認同、憤怒和覺得不被重視；3. 失落，擔心大家的關係不再一樣；4.羞愧，自覺不及離港者條件那麼好。
留港者和離港者都一樣，有百般滋味在心頭。留港者當如何疏理這些情緒呢？保羅教導我們凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝，告訴神（腓四 6）。講員也鼓勵我們要禱告：「主啊，祢想我留下，是要我做甚麼呢？」最近有一對夫婦跟我說，禱告中領受到神要他們留港：「除非主對我們有特別的呼喚，否則我們就留在香港，繼續服事傷健的團友。」
話別對雙方的好處
講員勉勵我們，留港者要諒解離港者的難處，另一方面離港者也要明白留港者希望話別的需要。離港者應預留空間與家人親友道別，這樣對大家日後的生活都有幫助。德國漢堡大學有一項「分離的研究」，科學家指出：我們分離時如果預先有話別，他們日後的生活會較順暢；沒話別的，之後的生活會較多阻滯。
講員最後作了一個重要的囑咐：「我們往往會讓很多緊急的事模糊了最重要的事。無論是去或留，祈盼我們都是為了主而作。」禱告尋求主的帶領是最重要的事，因為我們一生的年日都在祂的手中（詩三十一 15）。
Pastor's Sharing "Leave or Stay: Untold Feelings": Post-talk Anecdotes
Rev Jenny Ching
After a fellowship meeting the other day, I was surprised to find that one of the brothers I just saw on the screen had actually left Hong Kong. I was a little confused. Maybe you have had similar experiences too – the departure was quiet, so were you. There could only be sighs…. At a talk at the end of May entitled "Leave or Stay: Untold Feelings," the speaker, Brother Ringo Ng, a seasoned psychiatrist and family therapist, encouraged us to look at the silence of the leavers and the stayers from their perspectives.
The tangled silence of the leaver:
Why do they leave quietly? That's because: 1. they are worried that they will be very unhappy when they talk about it and the negative emotions will paralyze them; 2. they cannot handle others' sadness or attempts to get them to stay; 3. they are afraid that they will be called selfish when they disclose their decision; 4. they forget this as there are many things to handle.
It is true that leavers have many untold feelings. We will better understand them if we know how they feel. One sister who was leaving told me that her mother's faith was the one thing that concerned her the most. Before she left, she got me to meet with her mother and, in the presence of three generations, I confirmed her mother's faith and baptized her. After that, the sister and her family left for their new journey under the grace of God.
The tangled silence of the stayers:
Those who stay have their untold feelings, too: 1. uncertainty - much though that they care for the leaver, they are worried that their questions may cause embarrassment; 2. surprise, helplessness, disagreement, anger and feeling of being ignored; 3. at a loss, as their ties will never be the same again; 4. ashamed - they may think their conditions are not as good as the leavers.
The feelings of both the stayers and the leavers are hard to describe. How should the stayers manage their emotions? Paul has taught us to present our requests to God in every situation by prayer, petition and thanksgiving (Philippians 4:6). The speaker also encouraged us to pray: "Lord, what do you want me to do since I am to stay here?" A couple recently told me that God guided them to stay as they prayed: :"Unless the Lord gives us a special calling, we will stay in Hong Kong to continue to serve the handicapped brothers and sisters."
Bidding farewell is good for both sides: The speaker said while the stayers should understand the difficulties of the leavers, the leavers should also understand the stayers' need for saying goodbye. The leavers should leave room for farewell for family and friends. This will be helpful to both parties for their life afterwards. In a study on separation conducted by Hamburg University, scientists pointed out that life is smoother if separation is preceded by bidding farewell, otherwise it is relatively more stagnant.
The last piece of advice the speaker gave was this: "We often allow urgent matters to obscure the important. Whether going or staying, it is my hope and prayer that we are doing it for the Lord." The most important thing is to pray for the Lord's guidance. It is because all our times are in the hands of God (Psalm 31:15).
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