牧者心聲
溫柔的智慧
曾敬宗牧師
2024 年 3 月 2 日 / 3 日
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⋯⋯一個晚上，弟兄拖著疲乏的身軀回到家中，突然看到早前給孩子精心挑選的閱讀枱燈丟在地上，斷成兩節。到底發生了甚麼事？孩子說是媽媽弄壞的，太太隨即回應枱燈早已鬆脫。弟兄再作了解時，太太只是不耐煩地皺著眉頭，默不作聲。弟兄心想：「是我做錯麼？！」心中的怒氣隨即冒起⋯⋯
以上簡單的互動，於你是否似曾相識？角色和事情可能有所不同，但夫妻間有時卻會如此簡單又不明所以地發生爭執。有研究指出，人由嬰兒時期開始，就渴望與人互動結連，並透過父母的面部表情回應得著安全感，若得不到，就會產生不安的情緒。在急速又充滿壓力的日子，夫妻有時可能會為了避免爭執，或是想安靜一下，甚至是要「慳返啖氣、費事睬你」，就選擇沉默不回應。可知道這反而會令對方心裡更感被拒絕和否定、受到傷害？特別當我們被人生中惟一最親密、最能提供安全感的配偶拒絕推開，感覺上可能會比收到任何回應更惡劣。
失去安全感，就像突然被推到海裡遇溺一樣，我們會即時用盡一切氣力掙扎，想抓著甚麼，務求重新爭取到所需要的拯救——安全感。假如說話的語氣和音量不自控地提升，結果反而會事與願違，夫妻間的爭執也會如「贈品」般連帶出現。無論我們有多疲倦、多困惱，仍要盡力溫柔地回應，哪怕只是簡單表達自己狀況的回應。雅各書三13-18提醒我們：「你們中間誰是有智慧、有見識的呢？他就應當⋯⋯用明智的溫柔，把自己的行為表現出來⋯⋯從天上來的智慧，首先是純潔的，其次是和平的，溫柔的，謙遜的，滿有恩慈和善果，沒有偏袒，沒有虛偽。這是締造和平的人，用和平所培植出來的義果。」（新譯本）
保羅勸勉神藉他所建立的哥林多教會時，也沒有因為有理就直斥其非，而是「親自以基督的謙遜溫柔勸」他們（林後十1），何況對象是最親密的配偶呢！作為丈夫和父親的我，也深知自己的限制和不足，恆久忍耐談何容易？所以我們實在需要求主憐憫幫助，「在裡面存著溫柔安靜的心靈，作不能毀壞的裝飾，這在神面前是極寶貴的」（彼前三4）。惟有溫柔的說話才能叫雙方感到安全和被接納，內裡有著安全感，才能卸下全副武裝，以開放的心接納不同的意見，有智慧地作出選擇；惟有溫柔的心，才能成為正面的鼓勵！
願能在主內互勉！
One evening, a brother was very tired when he got home only to find that the desk lamp he had carefully chosen for his child was broken into two on the floor. What happened? The child said his mother broke it. The wife immediately said the lamp had come loose long before that. When the brother asked more questions, his wife impatiently frowned and did not speak. The brother thought to himself: "Now is that my fault?!" His anger rose…
Does the above episode sound familiar to you? The characters and the scenario may be different, but such disputes, simple and for no good reason, do happen between husband and wife. A study reveals that we long for interaction and connection with others ever since infancy. We derive a sense of security from our parents' responding facial expressions. Failing that, we feel uneasy. When the pace of living is fast and life subject to a lot of pressure, couples may choose no response to avoid conflicts, to calm down a little bit, or to "save one's breath." But did you know that this may on the contrary give your spouse a feeling of denial and rejection, leaving your spouse feeling hurt? This is especially so when we are rejected by the only person in our life who is closest to us and who is in the best position to give us a sense of security. Our feeling at this moment is likely to be worse than that for any possible response we may receive.
The loss of sense of security is like being suddenly thrown into the sea and drowning. We will use all our strength to struggle and grab even the last straw in order to regain the needed help – a sense of security. At that point in the couple's dispute, if the tone or volume increases involuntarily, the outcome will often be worse. Dispute will follow dispute just like gifts accompanying products. However tired or troubled we may be, we still need to do our best to offer a gentle response. You may be simply expressing your state of mind but do it gently. James 3:13-18 reminds us: "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by… deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom… But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. "
When Paul exhorted the church at Corinth which God established through him, he did not rebuke them even though he had good reasons to do so. On the contrary, he "by the humility and gentleness of Christ" appealed to them (2 Corinthians 10:1). It will be even more so when you are talking to your beloved spouse. As a husband and father, I am fully aware of my own restrictions and inadequacies. Love is patient, love is kind – it is easier said than done! We really need to ask for the Lord's mercy and help. "Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight (1 Peter 3:4). It is only gentle words that can make your spouse feel safe and accepted, giving your spouse a sense of security within. Your spouse can then give up armor, accept dissenting views with an open heart, and make a wise choice. Only a gentle heart can give positive encouragement!
May this serve as our mutual encouragement in Christ!
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