牧者心聲
一個警號
韓子卿牧師
2024 年 5 月 11 日 / 12 日
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參與北宣的夫婦事工已近20年，接觸過很多家庭，也認識到要維繫夫婦及家庭關係實在很不容易。我第一年事奉便已參與婚前輔導工作，經過多年，我看到很多夫婦都過著幸福愉快的生活，但亦負責過三位年輕太太的安息禮拜，她們有些參加過我的婚輔班，有些是我負責她們的婚禮，看到喪偶的丈夫傷心欲絕，我真的很傷感。可是最令我心痛的，卻是看到牧養過或輔導過的夫婦離異，每逢發生這些事，我都會有份內疚感，質疑自己過去是否對他們關心不足，又或婚輔做得不好，或對他們的提醒不夠等。
蕭壽華牧師和師母是我和太太的婚輔導師，他們當年教過甚麼都忘記了，但我卻清楚記得他們要我們經常拍拖，所以我們結婚多年，幾乎每星期都拍拖，而這習慣多少都挽救了我們的婚姻。我和太太性格南轅北轍，初婚時，只要一件小事，也可觸發一場爭吵，二人更會僵持一段時間。記得一次吵架後，太太餘怒久未消去，但她無意間翻看我們的部落格（blog），這部落格記錄了我們很多拍拖開心事，她看呀看的，心中怒氣就漸漸消失，她體會到，世上沒有甚麼人可以取代這個與她一起經歷過如此多難忘時刻的男子。
一位資深輔導員曾說過，夫婦間有70%以上的問題是無法真正解決的，我初聽時頗為震驚，但細心回顧自己的過去，發覺此話不虛。世上並沒有「自然就會好」的婚姻關係，美好婚姻是需要兩人刻意經營的。婚輔最後一課有一條問題，是請兩人列出婚後三年內的計劃，弟兄姊妹大都很用心作答，他們會計劃在事業、學業上努力，並在合適時間生兒育女。他們的計劃大都很實際，但卻很少提到如何去建立更鞏固的夫婦關係。
請恕我不厭其煩地說教，近年處理弟兄姊妹的離婚個案實在太多了，警號已經響起了！為甚麼近年弟兄姊妹的離婚個案不斷增加？是因為我們太忙碌以致對婚姻關係掉以輕心？抑或我們已經漸漸被世界同化了，將婚姻變成一件個人的事，離與合都與神無關？事實上，近年越來越多弟兄姊妹會選擇在外間世俗場所舉行婚禮，而不選擇教會，我不是說在外間行禮是錯，因為各人都可能有特別的原因，但數目不斷上升卻是事實。而最令人擔心的，是一個更深層的問題：大家是否都覺得神在自己婚姻中的參與已變得可有可無。希望我們都更多為自己及身邊弟兄姊妹的家庭禱告。
Almost 20 years into my participation in the couples ministry at NPAC and having met large numbers of families, I have come to realize that it is no easy task to maintain a good husband-wife or family relationship. I have taken part in premarital counseling ever since the first year of my ministry. All through these years, I have seen many couples live happily. However, I have also served in the funeral services of three young wives. Some of them attended my premarital counseling class. Some had me officiate their weddings. I was much saddened by the grief I saw among the young widowers. But the most heartbreaking of all is the separation of couples whom I have shepherded or counseled. Whenever that happens, I would have a sense of guilt. I would doubt whether I have not given them sufficient care, whether the premarital counseling was not good enough, or whether I have not given them sufficient exhortations.
Rev. Gordon Siu and Mrs. Siu were the premarital counselors for my wife and me. What they taught us then I cannot remember. But I clearly remember that they wanted us to keep on dating. That is why all these years, we still date almost every week. This habit has more or less saved our marriage. My wife's character and mine are very different. When we first got married, even a trivial matter could trigger a quarrel between us, and the stalemate would remain for some time. I remember one time after our quarrel, my wife's anger still lingered for a long time. But she stumbled upon a blog of ours which recorded many happy things when we date. She read and read, and the anger was gradually gone. She came to realize that no other person on earth can possibly replace this man who has lived so many happy, memorable moments with her.
A veteran counselor has said that 70 per cent of the questions between husband and wife can never be really resolved. I was shocked at hearing that at first. Upon reflecting on my own experience, I found truth in it. There is no marriage relationship on earth that will "naturally turn good" on its own. A good marriage has to be brought about intentionally by husband and wife. There is a question at the last session of premarital counseling which asks the two to write down their plan for the first three years of marriage. To this, participating brothers and sisters answer attentively. They would work hard at work or studies, and bear children at an appropriate time. The plans are mostly practical. But seldom do they mention how they would build a more stable husband-wife relationship.
I hope you would not mind my "preaching." I have handled too many divorce cases among brothers and sisters in recent years. The siren is wailing! Why is the number of divorce cases among brothers and sisters increasing recently? Are we so busy that we have neglected our marriage relationship? Or have we been gradually assimilated into the world and consider marriage as a personal matter, and that getting married or divorced has nothing to do with God? As a matter of fact, more and more brothers and sisters choose to get married not at church but at venues outside in recent years. I am not saying this is wrong. They may have their own reasons for doing so. But the increase in number is a fact. The most worrying is whether there is a more fundamental issue: That they think God no longer has a role in their marriage. Let us keep in our prayers our families and those of the brothers and sisters around us.
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