牧者心聲
有福了，棄絕受害者心態的人！
陳劍雲牧師
2024 年 5 月 25 日 / 26 日
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最近跟夫婦團契的弟兄姊妹一起查考彼得前書三章1-12節，勾起了有關受害者心態的討論。彼得前書給人最深的印象，是以基督耶穌的榜樣和我們蒙召作聖徒而在世寄居的身分，勸勉信徒在日常生活中分別為聖，即或受到傷害或逼迫，仍堅定地以行善活出信仰，對主忠誠。在中文聖經，全書最少七次直接勸勉信徒「行善」，其中四次出現在第三章。「離惡行善」是聖徒的生命之道，要實踐此道，就須棄絕「受害者心態」！
在家庭生活和一般人際關係中，差異、分歧和矛盾總是難免的，如何避免衝突，在乎我們如何解讀對方的言行，及謹慎思量自己當作的反應。記得一位備受尊敬的牧者講述多年前上餐廳的遭遇，館子裡客人很多，但侍應卻很少，牧師再三請侍應下菜單，但侍應連望他一眼都沒有，牧師內心有點怒氣，後來一名侍應走近來，師母就開聲說：「餐廳這麼忙碌，真是辛勞了你呀！」話音一落，本來頭也不回的侍應立即停下來，表示多謝師母體諒，並說會盡快來協助他們。
這牧者的分享不時浮現我心裡，提醒我，我一旦覺得別人的行為或說話不恰當，甚至不尊重我、傷害到我，我就要約束自己，不作反擊，而是去聆聽對方言語或行為沒有「說出」的訊息，予以諒解，力求溫柔回應。當然，我也不是常常都做得到，只能常常留意聖靈的提醒。聖靈的感動是幫助我們離惡行善的，若我們體貼聖靈的感動，可以先將自己受委屈和受傷的感受訴說，靠著那加給我們力量的，「禁止舌頭不出惡言」（彼前三10，新漢語譯本），在安靜的心靈裡「看見」對方的處境，讓愛在裡頭冒起來，「尋求和睦，竭力追求」（三11）。
或許你會說：「偶然受到的傷害，我可以忍，但家人長久傷害我，我豈能不保護自己？」是的，保護自己是人的天性，設定心理和人際的界線，避免不斷受傷害，絕對是合情合理，我們須學習怎樣明智地立界線。然而，立界線不等於「以惡報惡，以辱罵還辱罵」（三9）。打個比喻，當鄰居吸煙而令「二手煙」吹到你家，你當作的不是製造另一些厭惡性氣體，吹到對方的家裡去，而是用對流風的原理，將煙味送走。我們要思量自己想要有的正面結果，然後才採取行動，報復只會製造惡性循環，惡果自受。
弟兄姊妹，棄絕受害者心態，離惡行善，才是有福。
I was studying 1 Peter 3:1-12 recently with a couples fellowship when a discussion on victim mentality sparked. What 1 Peter impresses people most is its exhortation for believers to be consecrated in daily lives following the example of Jesus and with our identity as both saints called by God and strangers on the earth. Even when we should meet with harm and persecution, we are to live out our faith steadfastly by doing good and being faithful to the Lord. In the Chinese Bible, there are at least seven instances in this book where believers are directly exhorted to "do good." Four of them are in chapter 3. "Turn from evil and do good" is the way of life for saints. To practice this, we need to repudiate "victim mentality"!
Differences, divergent views and contradictions are inevitable in family life and in ordinary interpersonal relationships. The prevention of conflicts depends on how we interpret the other party's words and actions and a careful consideration of our responses. I remember how a well-respected pastor recounted his experience years ago at a restaurant. The restaurant was full of customers but servers were few. The pastor time and again asked the servers to take their order but the servers did not even take a glance at them. The pastor was a bit angry within. Then a server came near. The pastor's wife said to the server: "Hectic time in the restaurant, isn't it. I appreciate your hard work!" At this, the busy server immediately stopped and thanked the pastor's wife for understanding and promised to come back to help them as soon as possible.
This pastor's sharing resurfaces in my heart from time to time and reminds me that whenever I find other people's speech or actions inappropriate, or even lacking respect or are hurtful for me, I will need to restrain myself and try not to retaliate. Rather, I will try to hear the "unspoken" message behind the speech or action, understand and do my best to give a gentle response. Of course, I am not able to do this all the time. All I can do is to always pay attention to the Holy Spirit's prompting. The Spirit helps us turn from evil and do good. If we are obedient to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, we can first tell the Spirit how we have been wronged or hurt, and through Him who gives us strength, "keep [our] tongue from evil" (1 Peter 3:10). A quiet heart can "visualize" the situation of others and let there be love, then "seek peace and pursue it" (3:11).
You may say: "If I am hurt occasionally, I can tolerate it. But if my family members persistently hurt me, how can I not defend myself?" It is true that defending oneself is human nature. It is only fair to draw a boundary psychologically and in interpersonal relationships so we will not get hurt persistently. We need to learn how to draw the line sensibly. Nevertheless, having a line does not mean we "repay evil with evil or insult with insult" (3:9). For instance, if the "secondhand smoke" of a smoking neighbor enters your home, what you should do is not to produce another form of filthy gas and blow it back to your neighbor's home. Rather, you should send the smoke away using the principle of convection. We need to consider what positive result we want to achieve before taking any action. Revenge creates a vicious cycle with consequences for those involved to suffer.
Brothers and sisters, it is truly a blessing to repudiate victim mentality, turn from evil, and do good.
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