牧者心聲

俗語有云：「家有一老，如有一寶」，你同意嗎？

隨著年紀漸長與機能衰退，我父親因跌倒與病情反覆而頻繁進出醫院，行動與吞嚥能力日漸轉差，家人難以均分照顧的時間，使照顧的責任增加不少。我不禁想到，父母輩正值生命的冬季，而身為子女的我們則處於生命的夏或秋季之中，在兼顧家庭、工作與教會事奉的多重壓力下，我們該如何與日漸年邁的父母同行？

閱讀《這段路我們一起走！與漸老的父母交換心聲》一書後，對父母與子女雙方的真實心聲有了更深的體會。

年邁父母通常會面對以下處境：（一）價值與尊嚴——若後輩用對小孩的口吻與父母說話，他們會感到被嫌棄與忽略，甚至心生憤怒。（二）舊物件的囤積——基於上一代勤儉的習性，常會囤積物品；然而，這行為亦反映他們內心害怕失去掌控感與自理能力。（三）搬屋的恐懼——長輩認定老房子就是他們的家，當憂愁孤單時這地方能帶來安慰與喜樂，因而捨不得離開。

另一方面，當兒女作為照顧者，在面對孤單感與壓力時，通常有四種心聲：（一）被當作小孩的無奈——父母的嘮叨與叮嚀是出於關心，但無奈子女的耐性卻常因此被消耗。（二）罪疚感與掙扎——有時因情緒反應過大，而事後感到罪疚與挫敗。「當孝敬父母」這條誡命就常在腦海裡徘徊，因而沉重又複雜的情緒會湧現。（三）付出卻不被欣賞的疲憊——雖然知道照顧長者需要愛心與犧牲，但當耗盡所有時間與心力陪伴，卻得不到欣賞甚至被挑剔時，內心倍感乏力。（四）發現同行者的珍貴——在快要撐不下去時，朋友不離不棄的關心與鼓勵，往往能使人重新得力。

那麼，面對這些挑戰，我們該如何應對？（一）彼此謙卑，用心聆聽——父母與子女的看法背後都有各自的心聲，因此需要彼此謙卑聆聽，站在對方的立場理解，同時尋求上主賜下新的視野（彼前五 5～6）。（二）互相讚美，道愛與道謝——父母與兒女多點公開互相讚美；更重要的，是珍惜相處的日子，彼此表達愛與道謝。（三）留心群體中的肢體，成為照顧者的同行者——照顧者因繁重的照顧工作而漸漸淡出群體，也漸被人遺忘。我們更需要留意身邊的照顧者，主動向對方表達關心與鼓勵。

願以上的體會，讓我們更懂得珍惜與陪伴晚年的父母！

  There is a popular saying: “Having an elderly person at home is like having a treasure.” Do you agree? As my father has grown older and his physical abilities have declined, he has been frequently admitted to and discharged from hospital because of falls and recurring health problems. His mobility and ability to swallow have gradually deteriorated. As family members find it difficult to share caregiving responsibilities equally, the demands of caring for him have increased considerably. I cannot help but reflect on how our parents are now in the winter of their lives, while we, their children, are in the summer or autumn of ours. Amid the multiple pressures of balancing family, work, and church ministry, how can we walk alongside our aging parents?

  After reading the book Voices of Aging: Adult Children and Aging Parents Talk with God, I gained a deeper understanding of the heartfelt feelings and experiences of both parents and children.

  Aging parents often face the following situations: (1) A sense of worth and dignity—When younger family members speak to their parents as though they were children, the parents may feel unwanted and neglected or even become angry. (2) Hoarding old belongings—Having grown up in a generation that valued thrift, elderly parents often tend to accumulate possessions. However, this behavior also reflects an underlying fear of losing control and the ability to care for themselves. (3) Fear of moving home—Older people regard the homes they have lived in for many years as places where they truly belong. These familiar surroundings bring them comfort and joy in times of sadness and loneliness, making them reluctant to leave.

  On the other hand, when children take on the role of caregivers, they often experience four kinds of feelings amid loneliness and pressure: (1) The helplessness of being treated like a child—Although parents’ repeated reminders and nagging come from a place of love and concern, they can nevertheless wear down their children’s patience. (2) Guilt and inner struggle—Sometimes, children react too emotionally and subsequently feel guilty and disheartened. The commandment to “Honor your father and your mother” often echoes in their minds, giving rise to a flood of heavy and conflicting emotions. (3) The exhaustion of giving without being appreciated—Although children understand that caring for elderly parents requires love and sacrifice, they may feel utterly drained when they devote all their time and energy to accompanying and caring for their parents, only to receive no appreciation or even face criticism. (4) Discovering the preciousness of those who walk alongside us—When caregivers feel they can barely carry on, the steadfast care and encouragement of friends often give them renewed strength.

  How, then, should we respond to these challenges? (1) Be humble toward one another and listen attentively—Behind the perspectives of both parents and children lie their own feelings and concerns. We therefore need to listen to one another with humility, seek to understand each other’s point of view, and ask the Lord to grant us fresh perspectives (1 Peter 5:5–6). (2) Praise one another and express love and gratitude—Parents and children should openly express their appreciation for one another more often. More importantly, we should cherish the time we have together and express our love and gratitude to one another. (3) Be attentive to brothers and sisters in our community and walk alongside caregivers—Because of their demanding caregiving responsibilities, caregivers may gradually withdraw from the community and, in time, be forgotten. We therefore need to be more mindful of the caregivers around us and take the initiative to show them care and encouragement.

  May these reflections help us better appreciate and cherish our aging parents as we accompany them through their later years!